pain is impossible, so I would never make a comparison between the hurt felt by those who become disabled, in whatever way, and the suffer- ing of their partners. Nevertheless, I must acknowledge the partners pain. Without warning, a marriage that included a long list of activities that both partners enjoyed (such as skiing or tennis or making love on the dining room table) becomes one full of obstacles instead. Yes, the physically fit partners still have their health, but their hopes, dreams, aspirations, and fantasies can be just as damaged as those of their disabled lovers.   Sadly, but often understandably, many of these partners leave the marriage. They refuse to accept the limitations put on their lives by living with a dis- abled person. Sure, the world would be a great place if everyone could be heroic, but not everybody can. We shouldnt condemn these people because we dont know for sure what we would do if we were in their shoes.     Keeping the relationship alive   Some couples, when one partners health first fails, swear that they will stay together and work things out. Keeping that promise isnt always possible, however. Sometimes the relationship ends because the healthy partner just cant find the strength any longer to take care of a disabled partner and still manage his or her own life. In other cases it ends because the disabled person places too many demands on the partner with too little consideration.   No matter how difficult having a disability is, a person with physical chal- lenges must be willing to give his or her partner a hand. Yes, you may have lost certain faculties, but you have to be willing to exercise the ones you still have to your fullest.   Because this is a book about sex, let me address that particular subject. If a man has an accident and, as a result, loses his ability to have erections, his wife doesnt have to spend the rest of her life sexually frustrated. If he can still move his fingers, if he can still use his tongue, if he can hold a vibrator, he owes his wife sexual fulfillment. If the man abandons his wife sexually while at the same time asking her for all sorts of other help, then she may not be able to bear all those burdens. The same holds true for a disabled woman who withholds sexual favors.